My old boyfriend died in 2015 (from diabetes) and I’ve been single since then. I also don’t know if I’ll like having sex or not. I am sexually attracted to men/am straight but I don’t know. It’s like the idea of someone doing that to me, I’d find it embarrassing because I’m gross.
That’s… Depression.
However, I am not a psychologist. Either way, those are not healthy thinking patterns and you should probably see a therapist to find out in more detail what is happening in your own mind before jumping to a relationship. Mostly because those kind of thoughts aren’t going to magically stop once you’re in a relationship, you’ll just be doing the same thing… just with a partner, who may well be understandably confused and hurt by such thinking.
I strongly suggest finding a therapist you like and trust… and I understand that’s not always easy. It’s definitely easier said than done.
To me it sounds like something other than depression, however it doesn’t matter because you are clearly right, these are extremely unhealthy thinking patterns and it is a symptom of maybe bigger issues you need to address.
And it is true, everyone deserves love and there’s nothing about you that makes you categorically undesirable. Just some things specific people like or don’t like about you.
You should consider talking to a therapist, or at least someone who is not involved with you day-to-day but understands you. Having someone reality check your thoughts, especially those ones, can be extremely helpful to get a better frame of reference against those toxic thoughts, that are often times not rooted in reality.g