EDIT: this in an incredible community! Deep appreciation to everyone below who commented and responded, to LadyButterfly for being instrumental in creating this space, and to everyone who contributes to its safety and support. I’m very touched by the space a group of strangers held for me, thank you all so much, my cup runneth over💞
I understand I could just be going through it, life has been hectic, but I have a small friend group in my immediate area that I’ve known for about 4 years and recently, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable around them.
Two of them are vicious gossips, they love to shit talk everyone in their lives, including each other, without compunction or remorse. They also occasionally engage in shady behavior. Both of them steal from Air BnBs (they’ll take a vase or a bottle of room spray etc. nothing of real value, but still…) or try and cheat at things. I never tell them anything personal anymore, I’ve learned.
The other is making choices in her personal life, which is absolutely her prerogative, however, those choices are having an effect on her two young children. A lot of bringing new partners and people into their lives suddenly and then they disappear again, all on the heels of a recent divorce.
I am not a parent myself, so I feel like I shouldn’t really have an opinion, and maybe I’m just being judgemental. For the record, I have zero issue with her having however many partners she wants to have, and under whatever circumstances, provided all parties are consenting. It just bothers me that folks she met online are coming to her house with the girls being there after only 3 or 4 dates…and there’s some drinking and smoking weed involved as well.
Again, zero issue with folks who indulge, I’m sober now but I’ve definitely had my fun in the past and I’m no innocent. I just never got wasted around kids…
The thing is, I feel like an asshole, even just writing it out above. Who the hell am I to judge them? I’m no better than anyone else. But still, I don’t trust two of them, and feel like I can’t respond to the other one’s questions and texts of tinder profiles etc. honestly without deeply offending her.
On the other hand, I can literally feel my pulse race and anxiety tick up when any of them reach out recently. I have a crazy impulse to just focus on my job and partner and break up with all of them. I have other long term friends that I’m very close to, but we live far away from each other. Those friendships are all comfortable and I trust them completely and can always be myself with them. We stay in touch via tech and see each other when we can, maybe once a year.
Am I being crazy? My mother is ill and I’ve had some grief and loss this year, so there’s been some stress. At the same time, I’m eating healthy, sleeping well, exercising, and getting along well with my partner. Also keeping up with hobbies and self-care and climbing the ladder at work so I don’t think it’s depression.
Am I insufferable? Lay it on me, ladies.
This is one of the biggest lies in life. If your goal is truly to protect/care about children, then that’s absolutely what you should do (though not through any kind of cops, including cps etc, if possible as they just make things worse). You don’t need to be a parent to recognise when another person is suffering, but make sure they actually are and don’t go off of mere suspicion. That way you can work with them to make sure they are getting the care and understanding they need. Maybe offer to look after them ocassionally if you can and would like to.
That’s a good point
Thank you!
Yeah there are ways to address issues like this without being confrontational at all. Like you can send them an article titled something like “Single parents who frequently bring new partners around their children winds up harming children’s mental health, new study shows”, and then say “i just came across this article on my feed and thought you might find it interesting”
That’s going to upset someone more than just saying, “children tend to live what they learned at home, as an adult, without intervention.”
In some situations (not this one from the limited information we have) getting CPS involved is necessary because of the way that the legal system works.
Our point is that CPS and the legal system is not the only way to solve problems and other ways should be tried before ever touching them if at all possible.
I agree, I wouldn’t involve CPS. Their father is active in their lives, though not primary custodian. And, while I may struggle with this person, they love their kids deeply, that’s one of the reasons it’s so difficult, I don’t think they see how it’s affecting them. Then again, we all have our blind spots, myself included, I only see a sliver of their lives, my perspective is not the whole story by any means.
We think the best thing is to talk to them, both your friend and the kids (seperately), if you can. We understand if that feels really difficult, but we think it’s the best way forward to learn what is actually going on.